I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
