why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
