Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
operation have a gay friend backfired
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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