I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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