You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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