no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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