is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Randomize