He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
