the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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