wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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