My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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