i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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