I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
