if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
