Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
