i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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