Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
