she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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