Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
