got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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