I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
