I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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