I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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