Kiss
Puke
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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