Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
