Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
