Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
