Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
