I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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