I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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