I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
