I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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