i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
