I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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