Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize