I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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