I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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