I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
