nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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