people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize