a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
