fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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