I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize