update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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