Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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