I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
