Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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