I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
