No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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