My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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