dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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