Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
