3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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