dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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