Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
