If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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