Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
