sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Those nachos came to me in a dream
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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