so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
