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oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
a search helicopter?!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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