I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
