I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
