i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
