I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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