dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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