Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize