So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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