Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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