Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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