The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
