wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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