Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
